A curious feeling

You were baby-sat for the second time tonight -if you don't count when you were with your dad alone when I went to a doctor's appointment -which I don't. With three sets of grandparents eager to be with you, I don't think we'll run short of baby-sitters anytime soon.


We went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The movie itself was unimportant, but we were gone almost 6 hours, and there were two scenes near the end that both your dad I were reminded of you (as I'm sure all parents in the theatre were). I'm not sure if it was hormones, or the constant lack of sleep, or something a bit deeper, but it brought tears to my eyes and I suddenly needed to be with you.


It's a curious thing... being a mother. I think everyone feels differently about it at different times. When I had a miscarriage, a few months before we became pregnant with you, I felt a profound feeling of loss and grieved for some time, even though I had only known I was pregnant a few short days.


When I was pregnant with you there was never a moment where I wasn't aware you were with me and when I wasn't concerned and curious about your well-being and what your future life would hold in store. I wasn't overly emotional at your birth, probably just more relieved you were finally here, for more than one reason. I do remember the feeling when we were first together alone for a brief few minutes, along with a sense that you looked familiar to me from the beginning. I knew that feeling didn't come because you have my nose or because the rest of you looks like your dad, but that we actually knew each other, even though neither one of us can remember.


I remember thinking it was funny, or even odd, the first few times I was able to comfort you -if only for a few moments- when no one else seemed able. I think that's when I first felt like your mother. And tonight (or, last night, rather) while watching a newborn next to his mothers side and again when a baby was being rocked to sleep, I felt like someones mother, and found it very hard to be away from you.


I am so blessed. We, your dad and I, are so blessed, to have you in our lives. I am so grateful that our family is eternal and these bonds we are creating between each other, and any siblings that will eventually come to our family, those bonds will last forever. There will be times, probably many times, while you are growing that those bonds will be tried and strained. If you're anything like your mother, you will be very aware of when I make mistakes and don't live up to your expectations and desires. But, throughout your life please remember how much I love you and that I will ALWAYS be trying my best to be what and who I need to be. I will not be perfect, and others may be better at it at times, but I promise you I will always be the best that I can, and I just hope it's enough.